is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
