Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
