for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
