Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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