He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
