Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
