i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
