Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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