Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
