so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.