you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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