you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
