You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Soap is not a condiment
Buhtt sex?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
