There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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