why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
pray to the hookup gods
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
