i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
