I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
