My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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