woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
