im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
