he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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