For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
