Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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