if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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