The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
