Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
