I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
