My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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