the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
