Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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