She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I deserve this hangover.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
