What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
