I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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