update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
