when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
