I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
