I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
