just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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