I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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