My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
