the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
