Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just had sex on a roof
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
