I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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