i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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