I faked an abortion last night.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
