Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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