I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
