First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
