just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
