When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
