So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When are your genitals available?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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