the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
