So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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