I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
