Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
