I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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