you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
